Straight from the Horse's Arse Mouth (The Midweek)…
‘Managers of burial grounds in South Warwickshire are being urged to enter the national ‘Cemetery of the Year Awards’. The competition, now in its seventh year, is designed to increase public awareness of the important role cemeteries can play in the community.’
I really don't think I want my awareness increased thank you very much?
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Monday, August 28, 2006
Happy Days are here again...
Well…I’m not sure how long I can keep this up, blogging from Stratford I mean. We’ve just had another of those awful letters telling us how badly our Endowment Policies (Mortgage) are performing. You know the feeling? A pit opening up in your stomach. A slight dizziness. Desperate and ridiculous 'solutions' (see below) whizzing endlessly through your brain…
1. Pray. 'Hello...GOBF (God's Online Banking Facilities) Mother Teresa speaking...how can we help?'
2. Win The Lottery. Yeah...of course. Why didn't I think of that ages ago?
3. Death of a wealthy relation. 'Drink this Mother. It will help you sleep'.
4. Suicide. 'There's a slight delay on the Upton-Downton Line owing to...'
5. Run away. 'Police are looking for a heavily bearded man wearing a tutu and football boots.'
6. Win The football Pools See Lottery.
7. The Crime of the Century. 'Stick in the air this is a hands up. Nobody groove'
The other thing I felt was a dreadful guilt until I realised that none of this was my fault. Market forces I think they call it. [Although I bet that people in-the-know (I think particularly of the person who sold us the policies in the first place) aren’t suffering].
What to do…what to do?
Looks like, (admittedly this is only about an hour and one massive argument later) that selling up is our only option.
Any suggestions (none of the above 1-7 please) would be welcome.
Are there any eccentric rich people out there?
Anyone want to buy a house in Stratford upon Avon?
Personally I blame Madame Thatcher.
Note: The above 'Jokes' (1-7) are the result of hysteria. The rest is all true.
1. Pray. 'Hello...GOBF (God's Online Banking Facilities) Mother Teresa speaking...how can we help?'
2. Win The Lottery. Yeah...of course. Why didn't I think of that ages ago?
3. Death of a wealthy relation. 'Drink this Mother. It will help you sleep'.
4. Suicide. 'There's a slight delay on the Upton-Downton Line owing to...'
5. Run away. 'Police are looking for a heavily bearded man wearing a tutu and football boots.'
6. Win The football Pools See Lottery.
7. The Crime of the Century. 'Stick in the air this is a hands up. Nobody groove'
The other thing I felt was a dreadful guilt until I realised that none of this was my fault. Market forces I think they call it. [Although I bet that people in-the-know (I think particularly of the person who sold us the policies in the first place) aren’t suffering].
What to do…what to do?
Looks like, (admittedly this is only about an hour and one massive argument later) that selling up is our only option.
Any suggestions (none of the above 1-7 please) would be welcome.
Are there any eccentric rich people out there?
Anyone want to buy a house in Stratford upon Avon?
Personally I blame Madame Thatcher.
Note: The above 'Jokes' (1-7) are the result of hysteria. The rest is all true.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
TOP 10 DOG PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo -- what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for the "big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
2. Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo -- what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for the "big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH:
1. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE MY PURSE IS.
2. I BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH MY ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING MY BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SE-X-IE-ST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
3. I'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED I WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S BUTT AND HONESTLY BELIEVE I COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN MY LAST TRIP TO PE-E, I REALIZE I NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOK-ER THAN THE GODDESS I WAS JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.
5. I DROP MY 3:00 A.M. SUBMARINE SANDWICH ON THE FLOOR (WHICH I'M EATING EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT THE LEAST BIT HUNGRY), PICK IT UP AND CARRY ON EATING IT.
6. I START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE I SEE THAT I LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
7. I GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"
8. I'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO ME.
9. THE MAN I'M FLIRTING WITH USED TO BE MY 5TH GRADE TEACHER.
10. THE URGE TO TAKE OFF ARTICLES OF CLOTHING, STAND ON A TABLE AND SING OR DANCE BECOMES STRANGELY OVERWHELMING.
11. MY EYES JUST DON'T SEEM TO WANT TO STAY OPEN ON THEIR OWN SO I KEEP THEM HALF CLOSED AND THINK IT LOOKS EXO-TICALLY SE-XY.
12. I'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
13. I YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO (I THINK) CHEATED ME BY GIVING ME JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE I CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.
14. I THINK I'M IN BED, BUT MY PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR
15. I START EVERY CONVERSATION WITH A BOOMING, "DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY BUT..."
16. I FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN I SIT ON IT.
17. MY HUGS BEGIN TO RESEMBLE WRESTLING TAKE-DOWN MOVES.
18. I'M TIRED SO I JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR (WHEREVER I HAPPEN TO BE STANDING) AND TAKE A QUICK NAP.
19. I BEGIN LEAVING THE BUTTONS OPEN ON MY BUTTON FLY PANTS TO CUTDOWN ON THE TIME I'M IN THE BATHROOM AWAY FROM MY DRINK.
20. I TAKE MY SHOES OFF BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT I'M HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
2. I BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH MY ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING MY BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SE-X-IE-ST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
3. I'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED I WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S BUTT AND HONESTLY BELIEVE I COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN MY LAST TRIP TO PE-E, I REALIZE I NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOK-ER THAN THE GODDESS I WAS JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.
5. I DROP MY 3:00 A.M. SUBMARINE SANDWICH ON THE FLOOR (WHICH I'M EATING EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT THE LEAST BIT HUNGRY), PICK IT UP AND CARRY ON EATING IT.
6. I START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE I SEE THAT I LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
7. I GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"
8. I'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO ME.
9. THE MAN I'M FLIRTING WITH USED TO BE MY 5TH GRADE TEACHER.
10. THE URGE TO TAKE OFF ARTICLES OF CLOTHING, STAND ON A TABLE AND SING OR DANCE BECOMES STRANGELY OVERWHELMING.
11. MY EYES JUST DON'T SEEM TO WANT TO STAY OPEN ON THEIR OWN SO I KEEP THEM HALF CLOSED AND THINK IT LOOKS EXO-TICALLY SE-XY.
12. I'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
13. I YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO (I THINK) CHEATED ME BY GIVING ME JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE I CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.
14. I THINK I'M IN BED, BUT MY PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR
15. I START EVERY CONVERSATION WITH A BOOMING, "DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY BUT..."
16. I FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN I SIT ON IT.
17. MY HUGS BEGIN TO RESEMBLE WRESTLING TAKE-DOWN MOVES.
18. I'M TIRED SO I JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR (WHEREVER I HAPPEN TO BE STANDING) AND TAKE A QUICK NAP.
19. I BEGIN LEAVING THE BUTTONS OPEN ON MY BUTTON FLY PANTS TO CUTDOWN ON THE TIME I'M IN THE BATHROOM AWAY FROM MY DRINK.
20. I TAKE MY SHOES OFF BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT I'M HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Marriages
Marriage - Part I
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady And after the wedding, he laid down the following Rules:
" I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I Expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you That I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, Fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my Old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about It. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, " No, that's fine with me. Just Understand that there will be sex here at seven O'clock every night ......... Whether you're here or Not ."
(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of Their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, " When you die, I'm getting you a Headstone that reads:
" Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
" Yeah?" she replies. " When you die, I'm getting you a Headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last "
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at The breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and Says, " And you are no good in bed either," And storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides To make amends and rings her up. She comes to the Phone after many rings, and the irritated husband Says, "what took you so long to answer the phone ?"
She says, " I was in bed."
" In bed this early, doing what?"
" Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his Achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts Calling his wife, " Mother of Six" in spite of her Objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife Is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his Voice, " Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of Discretion, shouts right back, " Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
******************************************
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home And were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, The man realized that the next day, he would Need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early Morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first To break the silence (and LOSE), He wrote on a piece Of paper, " Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it Where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the Man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he Had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and See why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a Piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Read more funny stories on http://www.stories.vaty.net/
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